Thoughts on Raising Boys~Moms and Their Sons

I am so sorry it has taken me what seems like F-O-R-E-V-E-R to add more posts to this blog on the subject of raising sons.  We put our house up for sale and did not expect it to sell in less than a week and have escrow close in thirty days.  Peter and I have been scrambling the last two months packing, finding a place to live and then unpacking.  I have heard moving can be one of the most stressful events in life, but honestly never believed it until recently...now I am a believer.  I've moved before but past moves were always under fun and adventurous circumstances.  I moved from my mom and dad's home at eighteen into an apartment with my new, handsome husband (Oh bliss!  Bliss!  Bliss!)  Seven months later Peter and I moved to South Dakota so Peter could be a logger in the Black Hills.  We packed up all our earthly possessions (which fit in our '72 VW Super Beetle) and headed down the road with joy in our hearts for this brand new adventure.  Then in October it began to snow.  In the Southern California Desert we occasionally have s*n*o*w* and on s*n*o*w* days everything shuts down and the entire valley has a blast!  In South Dakota I soon realized they experience S*N*O*W* and nothing closes down so that everyone can frolic for a day or two, and it is not just barely thirty-two degrees out..uh-uh...it is twenty degrees or ten degrees or even minus ten degrees!  This SoCal girl who arrived in SoDak with a pair of black canvas sneakers and a light weight jacket, went back home in December the proud owner of a pair of snow boots with felt packs and a sub-zero jacket.  Both have served me well on s*n*o*w* days.  Peter and I continue to LOVE South Dakota and still enjoy visiting...in the summer:).  Since then we have moved a few times...out of a mobile home...into the first and only home we have ever owned.  And there we stayed until we moved this past December.   Yes, I know, what kind of lunatic sells their home around the holidays??????  I guess the Peter and Cherri kind of crazy does.  Honestly, we did not have any expectation that everything would move so fast!!!  So here we are finally settled in a rental (a story all of its own) and I can finally settle down with my Mac book on my lap and type a bit.  So let's get on with it.  Moms and their boys...


One morning I was on the phone with my daughter, Kirsti, and my grandson, Nate, who is just about two.  We were having a great conversation when I heard Nate suddenly say with great emotion:  "Dat's da Momma!"  I asked Kirsti what that comment was about.  She laughed as she told me that was Nate's reaction at seeing a picture of her.  Oh, sweet little boys and their moms...a precious, precious and very special relationship.  My two oldest children are my sons, Peter Kye and Tyler.  Both boys in their toddler years VOWED to marry me and only me when they grew up.  There is nothing like having your little boy crawl into your lap, place two small hands on either side of your face and exclaim:  "When I grow up, I'm going to marry you, Mommy." Girls, you need to hear that this particular time in your life with your sons is a "sweet spot;" during these years, YOU are the light of your little guy's life.  The precious years of baby and toddler-hood are beyond valuable as you create a lasting bond with your little boy...because, my dears, it doesn't last forever, nor, for that matter, would you want it to if you really think about it.  Enjoy every moment of this special and fruitful time and make the most of it.

I had no idea when my boys were young that I had such profound influence in their lives.  It wasn't until I looked back that I realized the impact I had on Peter and Tyler.  I grew up a tomboy spending a good portion of my time outdoors catching lizards, snakes, bugs and various other creatures or collecting rocks and other "treasure," consequently, that is what I did with my boys.  We were always looking for something to put in a jar.  It never occurred to me to buy them a bunch of matchbox cars or transformers.  They would get a few at birthday parties and play with them from time to time, but what they really loved was a good lizard or snake hunt...I have the pictures of snake draped sons to prove it:)  One birthday Peter Kye received a shirt emblazoned with the title LIZARD HUNTER which he wore with pride until it was in shreds.  

Moms, the question really isn't, "Will you influence your sons?" but rather "How will you influence your sons?"  Because for good or for not so good, you ARE having an affect on them.   I will never forget a story my daughter related of a young man who visited a Bible study she attended.  He explained to the group that his single mom continually told him he was "probably gay."  He remembers when he was just a toddler glancing at a store window as he and his mom were taking a walk and his mom telling him he was looking at the dresses in the window because he was "probably gay."  This young man went on to explain he grew up completely confused because he never had any homosexual desires, yet his mom defined him over and over as "probably gay."  Eventually he tried a homosexual lifestyle, but that led to complete devastation.   Then Jesus happened, redefined him, gave him clarity and his life was completely turned around.

Imagine the power in the words from a mother who says over her son continually..."You are kind."  "You are courageous."  "You are creative...loving...unselfish...a hard worker."  "You, my son, have a good heart."  Open your eyes to those moments and use them for all they are worth.  There is so much worthy of praise in our sons.  And in these early years, get this...IT MATTERS WHAT YOU SAY.  They take it into their newly forming characters that your words are truth.  They BELIEVE you.  

Mom, you definitely are influential in your boy's life...there is no doubt about that.  But as the years progress and your son grows, your influence has to change with his growth into a man...for his sake and for yours.  Resist the urge to keep your son a boy.  Allow him the healthy transfer from constant need and desire for you to the desire to be "like dad."  Let him go from you as his "first love" to that special girl who will be "THE love" of his life.  Watch out for the tendency we sometimes have to cling...to manipulate with guilt.  It can happen to the best of us moms so sneakily.  Believe me..of this I know first hand.  If anyone is worthy of blame when it comes to clinging and being a purveyor of guilt...my hand would be the first in the air. 

One late night during my oldest son, Peter Kye's, senior year of high school, I could not sleep.  The mom in me had the unsettled feeling that EVERYTHING was about to change for me...and change would, from that point on, be continual and sometimes drastic.  I couldn't help myself, and before I knew it, tears were flowing and I was working myself into a full on "sob fest."  Rather than wake my sleeping husband, I decided to take my pathetic self out into the living room where I wouldn't disturb anyone.  I hadn't been there long when Peter Kye came out and asked what was wrong.  What do you say?  "I don't want you to grow up"?  That wasn't true.  What I really wanted was to hang on to the little boy I had already let go of just one more time.  What I said was..."I just want you to sit on my lap again and let's read together for hours like we used to."  What Peter Kye did then was proof he was the man I had always hoped he would be.  He set down beside and me and just wrapped me up in his arms.  

Much like moving, parenting is an adventure filled to the brim with change.  You look forward to what is ahead but grieve over what you left behind.  And what I found out is that it is just fine with God that we mourn a bit.  As a mom who has weathered the ins and outs of mothering boys...had some successes, some failures....experienced sweet moments of joy and tenderness and heart rending times of surrendering my place, of letting go of little hands, I can say without a doubt...raising my boys, Peter and Tyler, has been a real treasure.  All those things that used to "drive me crazy" about my two very active boys have mellowed into fun and warm memories I love to ponder.  


Praying for you, my sweet sisters and mothers of boys!

Cherri 

Thoughts on Raising Boys--Part Five--Heroes

From the moment my boys could run to me with a bath towel and say, "Mommy, can you tie my cape?"  I knew they had hearts to be heroes.  Peter and Tyler were no different from all boys since time began...this is a deeply embedded, God given desire:  to be a hero.  It certainly does not take a behavioral scientist to see that boys are wired to be adventurous, competitive, courageous, risk-takers.  That was evident the moment I found that my son, Tyler, had used his highchair and the kitchen cabinets to climb to the top of the frig where I found him calmly munching on Cheerios, and he hadn't learned to walk yet!!!  

Along with this adventurous spirit, boys also want to protect, save, and conquer, to have a mission and succeed against all odds.  I watched through skype one evening as my five year old grandson, Zach, with his "Super Zach" cape on saved his three year old sister, Rebekah, a damsel in distress, from the monster (his mom, Jen) who captured the fair maiden.  I have to say I enjoyed every moment as Bekah cried out:  "Help!  Help!  Zach!  Save me!" and watched Zach call back as he rushed down the stairs, cape flying behind him, "I'm coming, Rebekah!  I WILL SAVE YOU!!!!"  And though it was a brutal battle, the monster was defeated, the fair maiden saved and Zach was triumphant! 


 Boys have an innate desire to fight battles and to be victorious...they were made this way ON PURPOSE.  God knew this life on earth was not going to be an easy one.  He knew there would be battles to fight on all levels everyday.  He knew our world would need heroes and in His wisdom, he created men to desire that role...even at Zach's age!  Some of these battles are internal.  I watched my daughter-in-law, Jen, coach Zach one day though one of these battles.  We were at a park in North Carolina.  First, let me explain that playgrounds in North Carolina are far and away more "risky" than the California playgrounds.  Here in California, we are so afraid of litigation that we have taken all the "dangerous" equipment out and padded the ground with twelve inches of memory foam. (slight exaggeration:)  But in NC, the equipment is meant to challenge and be a little risky.  You could fall.  You might come home with bumps and bruises, cuts and scrapes; however,  like my Zach that sunny summer day, you probably conquered something.  Zach began a climb up some pretty steep monkey bars when he froze and started back down. His mom, seeing his dilemma, came over and said, "Zach, you can do this."  She continued to coach Zach for a good fifteen minutes while he slowly inched his way across the "abyss."  Finally, he made it to the top and you should have seen the look on that boy's face.  He did it!!!  From that moment on, he scrambled up and over the monkey bars again and again.  What if Jen had gone over and rescued Zach?  What if she had allowed Zach to cave to his fears?  No victory...no conquering.  

There is a dangerous "counterfeit" out there Satan is using to rob us of all our heroes and that is the continual use of computer games by our boys and men.  I write this knowing that some of you reading this post will not want to read another word, but I ask that you hear me out. 

Not long ago, I was early for my flight out of Burbank airport.  NO ONE was waiting with me for my flight to Reno until a young man with a backpack walked into the seating area of my gate.  We had a long wait for our flight and since not another soul was around, we were each others only company.  I soon found out my new friend was a researcher and scientist at Caltech in Pasadena, much like the characters on the popular television show, The Big Bang Theory .  And you know I had to ask if the show was an accurate depiction of the reality.  I was surprised when he said, "yes."  The one aspect of the show that was not nearly as authentic was the role of online game playing in the life of those who attend and worked at Caltech...in reality...get this...it was more!  Then he told me something that was stunning.  He said if we were to, right at that moment, go to the Caltech campus and visit dorm rooms, nearly every room would have gamers with numerous screens up and running.  Every year many of the Caltech students are treated for rickets because all they do is work and then play their games.  They eat very little.  Sleep very little.  Get almost no physical exercise.  Consequently, these brilliant young people are suffering from malnutrition!!!!

What could possibly draw these young men into a virtual world to such an extent that they neglect everything...including their health?  Can I throw out a thought?  Their desire to be heroes...to have a mission...to fight battles...to defeat enemies...to have an adventure is satisfied online.  Each time a battle is fought and won...a "level" is strived for and achieved...a princess in distress is saved...an enemy finally vanquished a powerfully addictive neurotransmitter called dopamine is released into the brain.  This "rush" along with all the adrenaline produced while in the midst of gaming are the same chemical reactions that occur when REAL life battles take place.  Here's the big difference:  Fake, pretend battles, missions, and adventures can happen everyday anytime...day or night...always available at the click of a mouse.  Not so when it comes to real life.  However, the desire to be a vital part of an adventure and the addiction to the rush of dopamine is so strong, the easy "cure" is gaming...Why do it the hard way???????

Dear parents of boys...you are not just parenting a busy little boy...you are parenting future heroes!!! Please limit your boy's gaming!  And encourage them to do the "hard stuff."  Resist the draw to rescue and instead coach and encourage.  We need real life heroes to be among us in the years ahead.

Praying for your heroes:)

Cherri...Peter, Chris and Kathy too 

PS  We will be taking more about children and technology in a later post.

Thoughts on Raising Boys--Part Four--Play!

"I believe that those boys who take part in rough, hard play outside of school will not find any need for horse-play in school."

Theodore Roosevelt, American President

A young mom came to my home one day with her two and a half year old son to get some advice about her "crazy busy boy" who was "driving her nuts."  They hadn't been in the house long when "David" discovered you could run a continuous circuit through my kitchen, dining room, living room, and family room...and he wasn't the first toddler to discover this wonderful track in my home:).  The young mom apologized as David ran lap after lap, smiling at us as he ran zipping by.  She pointed and said, "This is what I'm talking about!  Help me!!"  

I could tell she was really concerned.  She was worried her little guy had a "diagnosable behavioral problem," and was considering taking him to his doctor to see if some kind of medication might be helpful.  My heart went out to her as I saw that she was sad and scared and pretty much at the end her stretched out to the max, motherly rope.  I began to ask her questions about David...what their day looked like together...did he sleep well at night...take good naps...was he always like this, and a picture began to emerge. 

Her little David was not overly energetic or anymore "crazy busy" than most toddler boys.  As David's mom described their day, I found that he got very little physically demanding play time.  His outlet for using up all his little boy energy was to run around the house, climb furniture, jump off coffee tables and any number of other interesting activities.  I understood this young mother's concern about allowing him to run with reckless abandon through her house, but I also understood this little guy's great need to physically expend all of his pent-up stores of energy.  She explained that the busyness of her day made it difficult to get him outside in the backyard because she felt she needed to be with him and at two and a half, I wholeheartedly agreed.  But something needed to change.  I asked her how much of her time was spent chastising, disciplining, redirecting, or, in some way, dealing with her son's behavior.  She said...that's just it...TOO MUCH!  It seemed she ALWAYS had to stop what she was doing to handle what was going on with David.  She never got done what she needed to during the day and was completely exhausted by the time her husband came home.  And then she said:  "I thought being a mom would be fun, but it's just hard."  Whoa...she was spent.

I asked her if she was willing to try something different and she was, so we put together a new routine for David that included time playing outside at least once a everyday for at least a good hour.  I'll be honest with you, she looked doubtful and was concerned about how this would impact all she needed to accomplish in a day, but she was willing to try.  

A week later, I received a call from David's mom.  I didn't recognize her voice over the phone because she sounded like a completely different person.  She started with "You're not going to believe this!"  She went on to tell me how David not only has calmed down in his behavior, he takes good naps and sleeps better through the night.  The change was so pronounced that her husband started taking him outside to play or go for a walk while she was making dinner in the evenings.  She was honest and told me she really felt defeated leaving my house that afternoon and thought I had just added one more thing to her already long list of what needed to be done in a day.  But she decided to try anyway.  And here's the beauty...she not only got more accomplished during her day, but her time outside with her son turned into something she looked forward to everyday.   An added benefit she was shocked to find was after paying hard, he was able to focus better on more quiet activities to keep himself busy while she is working around the house.  I was so grateful to hear the joy return not only to her voice but in her mothering as well. 

God created boys to need physically demanding play, and some boys need more than others.  If you keep them cooped up in a house all day, you are asking for disaster.  They will break something.  They will run like a "crazy person" around your house.  They will jump and, if you have two, they will wrestle and rough house.  Your boys might even quite literally climb the walls:).  I have seen them do this and have experienced it myself.  They will have a "diagnosable behavioral problem" called "LPD"..."Lack of Play Disorder," and this one has an easy cure...GET THOSE BOYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!!


Lately, Peter, Chris, Kathy and I have been "beating this drum" pretty hard wherever and whenever we talk about parenting.  All of us are big proponents of kids playing...playing a lot outside and play inside too.  We are asking any parent who listens to please get the children playing...playing hard...until the are completely spent...and playing outside...even when it's hot...even when it's cold, windy, rainy, snowing.  They will survive the elements.  Now, of course, we say this knowing that you all have common sense and will not send your children out during a blizzard, a hurricane, or when there has been a heat stroke alert:)

All children, both boys and girls, need a good deal of play time, but for your active, testosterone laden boys, play is absolutely essential.  Let them play.  Let them get dirty.  Let them get wet.  Let them get good and tired.


We are praying God's blessings on you and your families,

Cherri...Peter, Chris and Kathy

Thoughts on Raising Boys-- Part Two--Testosterone

Peter and I have been blessed with six children in our nearly thirty-seven years of marriage.  We have two sons and four daughters ranging in age from thirty-five to twenty years old.  Throughout the years we have been asked:  "Which were more difficult to raise...the boys or the girls?"  While raising them, it depended when the question was asked, what the answer would be.  It changed...flipped back and forth, shifting with the various seasons of raising these six.  Now that it is all behind us, we can say, without hestitation and without a doubt...both.  Raising boys was difficult and so was raising our girls, but in vastly different ways and at different times, because (and here is our first point)...


Boys are different from girls...

Most of you are thinking about now..."Please don't waste my time on the obvious," but hear us out for a moment.  In a culture where lines are being blurred between the sexes, we need to bring back some distinction for both our boys' and girls' sakes.  Back when it was "in" for men to "get in touch with their feminine side," Peter used to say, "Sorry, impossible.  That part was taken  when God removed the rib from Adam to make Eve.  My feminine side doesn't reside in me anymore:)"  Though he did not encourage our two boys to get in touch with their "feminine side," he most assuredly encouraged them to be sensitive to others, gentle to our pets and their younger sisters, and to show concern, care and love for family members and friends.  (All these attributes,  sensitivity, concern, care, love and many more, are taught day after day first through example and then by instruction.) Just because we want our boys to be just that...BOYS, does not exclude them from being kindhearted.  

Times are changing, my sweet parents.  Things we never thought we would have to address like allowing and encouraging your boys to grow up masculine, need to be talked about because of societal changes.  Now we have mothers who intentionally move their sons toward becoming gay.  My daughter told me about a young man in her Bible study who had such a mother.  He remembers glancing at a store window as he and his mom walked down a street.  She looked and saw that a dress was in the window and bent to her young son and said, "You are looking at that dress because you are gay, and that's ok."  (We will talk about the power of a mom and her words in a later post.)  There are entire studies out about the emasculating of the males in our society...some believing it for the good and others for the bad of our culture, but no one denying that it isn't true.  Sadly, the women's movement for all the good it did for women...and it did do some good, stole something valuable from our men by demeaning the very essence of who they are...their masculinity and in essence robbed us as women and as a culture as well.  We need men to be men.

Let me give you just a little unscientific but very real study that my daughter did for her statics class in college. Each student in this class had to make up their own study and gather their own statics and then present the statistics and the study in class.  Kirsti decided to ask "mirrored" questions to the junior boys and the girls on her campus.  The most telling questions was:  "Do you have a plan for the next four years?"  The answers were staggering...Nearly all the boys said they had "no" plans for the future.  Some added underneath their checked "no"  that they just wanted to surf and skateboard.  One said there was plenty of time to "get serious" in the future, but now was the time to "have fun and party."  The girls?  A totally different story...Nearly all the girls had a plan.  They had jobs or internships, were thinking toward grad school or careers, marriage and family.  Even more stunning is the fact that this was not a secular college.  This was Azusa Pacific, a Christian college, for crying out loud!  Granted, Kirsti did not ask every junior at Azusa, but I can tell you as a junior high and high school teacher and librarian over the past 20+ years, I have seen the same phenomenom.  Boys are growing less responsible, less apt to lead, less aggressive in their studies and pursuit of just about anything.  Not ALL boys are like this, but a growing majority are.  We've got to change that.  We NEED our boys to find the desire to lead, to excel, to be courageous, to tap into that God given male hormone that creates such a difference between the sexes.
 
The big reason they are so different and the undeniable truth is boys, unlike girls, are continually bathed in testosterone from the beginning, and testosterone makes our boys aggressive, adventurous, rough and tumble, risk-taking, and high energy...needing, not only a mission, but to be the hero of the mission as well. LOVE the fact that your boy is crazy busy, Love the fact that he is going from one adventure to the next, Love that he is so different from the girls around him, and please...encourage him to be the boy that he is.  

Alrighty, I have probably jumped up and down on that soap box long enough.   So let's move on to another thought:

Boys are different from each other...

All have testosterone flowing through their systems, but all boys have different temperaments and personalities with varying intensities of each.  In my first post I mentioned the great difference between my two, Peter and Tyler.  Both my boys loved to do "boy stuff."  They made car noises, jumped off their top bunk into a blanket-lined toy box, caught bugs, lizards, and snakes.  They climbed trees, got good and dirty ALL THE TIME, played lots of sports, terrorized their sisters and enjoyed HOURS of wrestling together.  But think about the difference testosterone made in Peter Kye's people-loving personality and calm, laid-back demeanor from the same hormone bathing Ty's angry, aggressive, strong-will.  Add testosterone to a strong-willed or easily angered boy and you have, well...some "trouble" coming your way.  Tyler had a great deal more difficulty in keeping himself and his actions under control.  Guess who received more swats and time-outs because he needed them?  You will have to parent differently because all boys, even your own sons, are not the same.  One might be more motivated to make better choices by being isolated, while another needs a swat on the backside, or maybe even both.  You may need to teach the same lesson over and over to one, while the other takes your correction the first time.  Whatever it is that you have found works to help train your boy, the two most  important ingredients for all are selfless love and consistency.  Your motive to have a well-behaved boy cannot be so you will "look good" or so you won't "be embarrassed." It cannot be "you" focused.  It has to be for the sake of your son...for the good of his character, his future, and his relationship with God.  And then prayerfully create a plan and stick to it.

 Your boy may have trouble with self-control.  He may be strong-willed, have ADD, ADHD, have anger issues like my Ty, or have pure testosterone flowing through his veins instead of blood...all of these might be true, but your family standards and values STILL remain intact.  You DO NOT lower your standards and values to the lowest common denominator in your family.  This will cause problems you just don't want to have when your boy gets older.  I loved what my husband, Peter, said the other night when answering a question from the parent of a strong-willed toddler...He said you can train a twenty pound toddler to learn to have self-control a whole lot easier than a 180 pound, six foot teenager.  So profound and SO true. Teach him self-control early.

So let me leave you with this thought.  Your boy is supposed to be busy, and I won't lie to you...raising a boy is exhausting and frustrating and downright terrifying at times, but I wouldn't trade one moment of raising my two very active boys for years of ease or peace and quiet.  They are worth every crazy second I survived:) 

Please be encouraged!!  We want you to know that our prayers are with you as your raise your boys into godly men because this world NEEDS them!

Praying for you precious families,

Cherri...Peter, Chris and Kathy too

PS  We would LOVE to hear some of your stories about your boy's adventures or misadventures!!  PLEASE send your stories to parenting@desertvineyard.org.  With your permission we would like to share them on the blog:)