Nate and His Milk: A Lesson in Boundaries

I am thoroughly convinced if we let toddlers loose on the world, we would be conquered in  less than a week:).  I recently spent two weeks with my grandson, Nate, and his parents and there was a "war" going on in that household over milk. In fact when I left, there were still a few skirmishes, but Nate's mom and dad were finally seeing victory on the horizon after some loooooong, emotional battles.  I know they say girls are drama queens, but I saw some pretty intense drama going on by my Nate as he clung to the closed refrigerator door:).  Watching this all unfold, reminded me that raising a toddler is not for the weak or fainthearted.  

My husband, Peter, and I are continually asked in our parenting classes if a two year old "really understands what they are being asked."  Every year we say the very same thing: your toddlers understand WAY more than they are given credit for and many times are playing you like a finely tuned fiddle.  I watch my granddaughter of ten months navigate an ipad for cryin' out loud!  The toddlers in my life, including Nate, use ipads and iphones more proficiently than I do.  Nate knows which games are his.  He knows how to get to his games...how to get where he wants in the games and how to shut the whole deal down.   And then he wants me to believe he doesn't know that he has to keep his milk in the kitchen on the tile???????  I'm sorry, Naticus the Greaticus, but that is a stretch even your adoring Nana cannot make.  To top the whole thing off, Nate skilled us in just how much HE REALLY DOES UNDERSTAND, and I have the pictures to prove it.

So the battles go something like this: (and I bet all you moms and dads out there in toddlerland are experiencing similar conflicts)  Nate decides he wants his milk.  He is given his milk and reminded to "stay in the kitchen" with his cup.  At first he is content to walk around the kitchen with his milk but the boundary beckons and he is attracted to as if magnetized. 

 

He walks to the boundary...toes the line...walks right along it...sticks one big toe just a bit over the line...waits.  Or he acts like he is simply drinking his milk and saunters innocently near the line.  Ooops!  Toe over! Ha ha!!  Just kidding!!! Or he walks out as if to say "Boundary?  What boundary?  We have a boundary? I forgot!"  However, the boundary violations I was a witness to were absolutely brilliant.  Enough to make a any prison-breaking felon's mom proud (If you were proud of such things:)




My daughter is very consistent with enforcing boundaries...if he crosses the line, the milk goes to the frig and no amount of languishing dramatically at the frig door ever changes her mind.  But neither of us were prepared for what Nate did next.  After one such boundary breaking incident, Nate was given his milk back after a suitable amount of time and told "Remember KEEP THE MILK IN THE KITCHEN...say, 'Yes, Mom.'"  And off he went with a "Yes, Mom."  All went well until we watched him working hard to pull a barstool over to the edge of the tile all the while his milk is hanging from his mouth.  He finally wrestled the barstool right up to the edge of the tile and placed his milk on top and then ran off to play with his animals and dragons.

This was absolutely ingenious!  He could run over to his cup and lean over grab a drink while standing in the family room!  The milk, however, was IN the kitchen.  You have to applaud the guys inventive way to cross the boundary:).  But that was not going to fly with Mom, so the stool was placed back where it belonged and more instructions were given.  No more scooting the stool over to put your milk on it...milk AND body has to stay in the kitchen.   It doesn't end there.  The next day his dad gave Nate his milk with this reminder:  "Stay in the kitchen with your milk."  I wish I had a picture of what he did minutes later, but the iphone was not handy at the time.  Nate saw his dinosaurs about four feet out from the boundary line.  He really wanted those dinosaurs and equally did not want to leave his milk.  The dilemma was solved as he put his milk in his mouth and then stretched all three feet of himself out across the floor making sure one toe stayed in the kitchen as he grabbed the desired dinosaurs.  Oh, yes, he did!  He was literally still in the kitchen with his milk.  The toe attached to his body while teeth were clenched around his sippy cup lid was still very plainly for all to see decidedly in the kitchen.  Nate, I hope, did not see his nana smile with appreciation for a brain so well engaged in problem solving.  There will be a need for those God given skills someday:).  It's all about channeling those gifts in the RIGHT direction!

We, as loving parents, decide where the boundaries are in our children's lives, and once we make those boundaries, you can be sure your little ones will test them in a myriad of clever and creative ways.  As cute and amazing as these feats are, we have to be consistent about the boundaries.  If you take what they are doing to the logical conclusion what the scenario will be someday will involve much more dangerous boundary crossing.  A teenager who doesn't borrow your car to drive to the beach, but finds someone else to lend them a one.  Or whose curfew is a reasonable ten o'clock on weekdays, but who comes in at 10:15, then 10:30, then 10:45...And you will be dealing with a little "mini lawyer" every time a boundary is crossed.  You think you are exasperated now dealing with toddlers and their pranks?  These days will look like vacations when you are dealing with an adolescent or teenager who "Perry Masons" you continually!  

Everyday you are training your children whether you think about it or not.  You are training them to...

believe what you say is what you mean
trust that you are truthful and consistent
treat you and your decisions and requests with respect

and these are just a few of the myriad of principles you teach daily by instruction and by example.

Bottom line:  Decide what your boundaries are going to be and stick to them as if they were law.  In reality they ARE the law in your home and just like with any law that is broken, there are consequences to pay.  Have a plan...think it through...pray it through and then ask God to help you to be consistent.  You and your little one will reap GREAT benefits both now and in the future!

Praying strength, courage and perseverance for all our dear parents of toddlers out there:)

Cherri
 

Thoughts on Raising Boys~Moms and Their Sons

I am so sorry it has taken me what seems like F-O-R-E-V-E-R to add more posts to this blog on the subject of raising sons.  We put our house up for sale and did not expect it to sell in less than a week and have escrow close in thirty days.  Peter and I have been scrambling the last two months packing, finding a place to live and then unpacking.  I have heard moving can be one of the most stressful events in life, but honestly never believed it until recently...now I am a believer.  I've moved before but past moves were always under fun and adventurous circumstances.  I moved from my mom and dad's home at eighteen into an apartment with my new, handsome husband (Oh bliss!  Bliss!  Bliss!)  Seven months later Peter and I moved to South Dakota so Peter could be a logger in the Black Hills.  We packed up all our earthly possessions (which fit in our '72 VW Super Beetle) and headed down the road with joy in our hearts for this brand new adventure.  Then in October it began to snow.  In the Southern California Desert we occasionally have s*n*o*w* and on s*n*o*w* days everything shuts down and the entire valley has a blast!  In South Dakota I soon realized they experience S*N*O*W* and nothing closes down so that everyone can frolic for a day or two, and it is not just barely thirty-two degrees out..uh-uh...it is twenty degrees or ten degrees or even minus ten degrees!  This SoCal girl who arrived in SoDak with a pair of black canvas sneakers and a light weight jacket, went back home in December the proud owner of a pair of snow boots with felt packs and a sub-zero jacket.  Both have served me well on s*n*o*w* days.  Peter and I continue to LOVE South Dakota and still enjoy visiting...in the summer:).  Since then we have moved a few times...out of a mobile home...into the first and only home we have ever owned.  And there we stayed until we moved this past December.   Yes, I know, what kind of lunatic sells their home around the holidays??????  I guess the Peter and Cherri kind of crazy does.  Honestly, we did not have any expectation that everything would move so fast!!!  So here we are finally settled in a rental (a story all of its own) and I can finally settle down with my Mac book on my lap and type a bit.  So let's get on with it.  Moms and their boys...


One morning I was on the phone with my daughter, Kirsti, and my grandson, Nate, who is just about two.  We were having a great conversation when I heard Nate suddenly say with great emotion:  "Dat's da Momma!"  I asked Kirsti what that comment was about.  She laughed as she told me that was Nate's reaction at seeing a picture of her.  Oh, sweet little boys and their moms...a precious, precious and very special relationship.  My two oldest children are my sons, Peter Kye and Tyler.  Both boys in their toddler years VOWED to marry me and only me when they grew up.  There is nothing like having your little boy crawl into your lap, place two small hands on either side of your face and exclaim:  "When I grow up, I'm going to marry you, Mommy." Girls, you need to hear that this particular time in your life with your sons is a "sweet spot;" during these years, YOU are the light of your little guy's life.  The precious years of baby and toddler-hood are beyond valuable as you create a lasting bond with your little boy...because, my dears, it doesn't last forever, nor, for that matter, would you want it to if you really think about it.  Enjoy every moment of this special and fruitful time and make the most of it.

I had no idea when my boys were young that I had such profound influence in their lives.  It wasn't until I looked back that I realized the impact I had on Peter and Tyler.  I grew up a tomboy spending a good portion of my time outdoors catching lizards, snakes, bugs and various other creatures or collecting rocks and other "treasure," consequently, that is what I did with my boys.  We were always looking for something to put in a jar.  It never occurred to me to buy them a bunch of matchbox cars or transformers.  They would get a few at birthday parties and play with them from time to time, but what they really loved was a good lizard or snake hunt...I have the pictures of snake draped sons to prove it:)  One birthday Peter Kye received a shirt emblazoned with the title LIZARD HUNTER which he wore with pride until it was in shreds.  

Moms, the question really isn't, "Will you influence your sons?" but rather "How will you influence your sons?"  Because for good or for not so good, you ARE having an affect on them.   I will never forget a story my daughter related of a young man who visited a Bible study she attended.  He explained to the group that his single mom continually told him he was "probably gay."  He remembers when he was just a toddler glancing at a store window as he and his mom were taking a walk and his mom telling him he was looking at the dresses in the window because he was "probably gay."  This young man went on to explain he grew up completely confused because he never had any homosexual desires, yet his mom defined him over and over as "probably gay."  Eventually he tried a homosexual lifestyle, but that led to complete devastation.   Then Jesus happened, redefined him, gave him clarity and his life was completely turned around.

Imagine the power in the words from a mother who says over her son continually..."You are kind."  "You are courageous."  "You are creative...loving...unselfish...a hard worker."  "You, my son, have a good heart."  Open your eyes to those moments and use them for all they are worth.  There is so much worthy of praise in our sons.  And in these early years, get this...IT MATTERS WHAT YOU SAY.  They take it into their newly forming characters that your words are truth.  They BELIEVE you.  

Mom, you definitely are influential in your boy's life...there is no doubt about that.  But as the years progress and your son grows, your influence has to change with his growth into a man...for his sake and for yours.  Resist the urge to keep your son a boy.  Allow him the healthy transfer from constant need and desire for you to the desire to be "like dad."  Let him go from you as his "first love" to that special girl who will be "THE love" of his life.  Watch out for the tendency we sometimes have to cling...to manipulate with guilt.  It can happen to the best of us moms so sneakily.  Believe me..of this I know first hand.  If anyone is worthy of blame when it comes to clinging and being a purveyor of guilt...my hand would be the first in the air. 

One late night during my oldest son, Peter Kye's, senior year of high school, I could not sleep.  The mom in me had the unsettled feeling that EVERYTHING was about to change for me...and change would, from that point on, be continual and sometimes drastic.  I couldn't help myself, and before I knew it, tears were flowing and I was working myself into a full on "sob fest."  Rather than wake my sleeping husband, I decided to take my pathetic self out into the living room where I wouldn't disturb anyone.  I hadn't been there long when Peter Kye came out and asked what was wrong.  What do you say?  "I don't want you to grow up"?  That wasn't true.  What I really wanted was to hang on to the little boy I had already let go of just one more time.  What I said was..."I just want you to sit on my lap again and let's read together for hours like we used to."  What Peter Kye did then was proof he was the man I had always hoped he would be.  He set down beside and me and just wrapped me up in his arms.  

Much like moving, parenting is an adventure filled to the brim with change.  You look forward to what is ahead but grieve over what you left behind.  And what I found out is that it is just fine with God that we mourn a bit.  As a mom who has weathered the ins and outs of mothering boys...had some successes, some failures....experienced sweet moments of joy and tenderness and heart rending times of surrendering my place, of letting go of little hands, I can say without a doubt...raising my boys, Peter and Tyler, has been a real treasure.  All those things that used to "drive me crazy" about my two very active boys have mellowed into fun and warm memories I love to ponder.  


Praying for you, my sweet sisters and mothers of boys!

Cherri 

Master Evil With Good

It was another one of those days.  It was another one of those sad days that will forever be memorialized with the words "I remember where I was when..."  It was another one of those days when you ask the question:  "Why, for all that is good and decent, would anyone...?"    It was another one of those days when you sit glued to the TV screen hoping it's not as bad as it seems...that there will be ONE small moment of joy because you know sometimes there is...but not this time and the tears just won't stop.  And in an instant you remember that one small verse in the Bible:  "Jesus wept," and you think to yourself if Jesus wept over Lazarus, He is sobbing now.  It was another one of those days when your thoughts become a constant prayer, and you want to DO something to help, but feel so powerless.  And that is right where our enemy wants us to stay..."You are powerless against me...against my evil...what can you possibly do?"

I'm a Facebook user so I have read all the reactions...the cries for gun control, or conversely, the cries for armed guards, adminstrators and teachers at our schools.  I've read thoughts on how we can fight this evil and opinions on who's to blame.   Above it all the most often phrase I read again and again is a simple one:  "Hug your child tonight."  That is good and wonderful advice , but honestly, dear parents, we are going to have to do more than "hug our children" if we want to see change in this world.

My friend, Melinda, a young mom of four boys, hugs her boys often, but it is the life lessons she is determined to teach daily that will impact her boys futures more than anything else.  She is guiding her young sons to be outwardly focused each day by doing something good for someone else...most of the time in secret.  The day of the horrible Connecticut school massacre, she and her boys went to hand-out Christmas stockings at a senior living home, but they were not allowed in.  Instead of being critical and giving up and going home, they found two elderly gentlemen waiting at a bus stop and gave them the stockings instead. 




Melinda and her boys have left diapers and wipes at diaper changing stations, paid for the order of coffee behind them at the drive-thru at Starbucks, baked muffins for their local librarians, brought a tiny decorated Christmas tree to an elderly neighbor, and many other thoughtful acts of love and kindness.  And there is the answer to the question, my friends.  What can we do to make a difference...to make a change?   Show love and kindness, and even more importantly, teach it to our children though instruction and example. 

Loving your children is not enough.  It is in the doing that change happens.  Hug your children, absolutely, but also teach them to be sensitive, kind, and considerate, to have compassion and empathy.  Show them how to love, not only in emotion, but in action as well.  Show them you CAN love someone you don't know...that you may never know.  Teach them to give without expecting anything in return.  Help them to have eyes to see the need all around them.  You can do something.  You can raise a child to be the one who sees need and cannot turn away.  You can raise a child who will not tolerate cruelty to anyone for any reason.  You can raise a child who reaches out with the love and kindness of Jesus and quite possibly change destinies.  Parents, we are NOT powerless!  We hold within the walls of our homes a force for good that is immeasurable.   

Hug your children and then take them out and find something good to do and then KEEP doing it over and over every time you see an opportunity.  Be proactive and LOOK for opportunity...pray for opportunity, ask that your eyes might be opened...guaranteed, that is one prayer that our Lord will be overjoyed to answer.  When our adversary whispers to you..."What can you possibly do?"  Remind him that you will not allow him to overcome you with evil...that instead you will "master" his evil with good.  (Romans 12:21 amplified version)

We are praying for you, dear families, that our Lord will shower you with an abundance of good to be done.

Cherri, Peter, Chris and Kathy

Thoughts on Raising Boys--Part Six--Dads and Their Sons

 “We live in a society of social networks, with Twitter pages and Facebook, and that’s fine, but we have contact with our work associates, our family, our friends, and it seems like half the time we are more preoccupied with our phone and other things going on instead of the actual relationships that we have right in front of us. Hopefully, people can learn from this and try to actually help if someone is battling something deeper on the inside than what they are revealing on a day-to-day basis.”  

These words were recently spoken by Brady Quinn, the quarterback for the Kansas City Chiefs, when asked about the death of one of his teammates, Jovan Belcher, who first took the life of his girlfriend and then ended his own. 

It might seem at first glance that this has little to do with parenting boys, but in truth it has EVERYTHING to do with parenting, not only our boys, but all of our children and all relationships in a family for that matter.  The single most important aspect in parenting your children is connection.  

In the "old" days, families had no difficulties staying connected.  They got up in the morning, ate breakfast together and sometimes even worked together on their ranch, farm or in their family businesses.  Even as times changed and more and more dads joined the workforce, meals together were not optional and the evenings were spent doing something together...even if it was simply watching Disney's Wonderful World of Color or Bonanza.                                                                    

Times changed, moms went to work, and both moms and dads had further commutes.  Technology advanced from having one screen per household to the average of twelve.  Involvement in outside activities for all members of the family such as sports teams, dance and martial arts classes, church activities, meetings and numerous school functions have slivered away at our connection with our children one event, one afternoon, one evening, one weekend at a time.  Now we spend more time in our automobiles than we do in our homes.  Even when we do happen to get some moments to spend together, we are all on our own screens texting, Tweeting, Facetiming, Facebooking, Pinteresting, gaming, emailing, working...We are losing our connections to each other in our families and this, my dear parents, is a tragedy we can turn around.  In order to create the connections your family NEEDS you will have to go completely against the tide of our society...and that tide is high and wide and more like a tsunami than a wave.  Where connecting as a family came naturally in the past, now we will have to be purposeful in making it happen.  

It is important for dads to connect with their sons through healthy relationship.  Dad, you have tremendous power in your family, but for your boy, you are the primary model of all that is to be a man.  It is your example of "hero" concepts such as: courage, gentleness, deference, sacrifice, and integrity that will have a lasting positive influence.  This kind of influence cannot be done passively.  This is proactive parenting.  Have a plan and then take the steps to carry it out.  There are a few important aspects that need to be included...

1. Talk to your son---as much as some of you guys hate it, talking to your boys is a must.  If you are a really wise dad, you will take advantage of moments that come naturally in relationship...while you are driving, playing, and working together.  More good can come out of talks done when there is no stress and no conflict than all the lectures given during times of high emotion.  One of the best pieces of parenting advise Peter and I ever received was not to address difficult subjects during times of conflict.  Peter had many talks with his boys, some of them reaching into the early morning hours, and I know Peter was tired and many times had to work the next morning, but his boys were more important to him than a good night's sleep.  Most of the time, I did not know what they talked about and truth is I didn't need to know.  Sometimes conversations need to be between dads and sons PERIOD no "help" from mom. Dads, your boys need to have conversations with your about everything including girls, sex and growing into a man.  Uncomfortable, maybe for some, but absolutely essential for their growth especially in this current societal climate.  Talk to your boys, communication connects you to your son.

2.  Play with your boys.  All ages of boys...and I mean ALL ages of boys love to hang out and play with their dads.  For my boys now in their adult years, they love to taste test super hot chiles that my oldest son grows.  (They think this is fun...go figure...This HAS to be a guy thing:)  In the younger years, Peter played basketball, football, rode boys around on his shoulders, and used to "fly" them around like a jet when they were little guys.  Dads, take your sons camping, to hunt bugs and lizards, go to zoos, to the playground, on road trips and get on your knees to play cars, put together puzzles and chase them with reckless abandon.  Enjoy playing with your boy, play connects you to your son.

3.  Work together.  There is something healthy about working together toward a common goal.  So many lessons are learned in the midst of a project...planning, patience, excellence in workmanship, incentive, and a sense of accomplishment.  Some of my boys dearest memories are of projects they have done with their dad and days working in the mountains cutting firewood together. To this day, if those boys have the opportunity to spend a day with their dad cutting firewood or working on a project, they will jump on it if they can.  Here is a more recent picture of Peter with our son, Peter Kye, our two sons-in-laws, Jonathan and Ryan and my brother, Mark, on a day spent cutting wood.  They look pretty happy and content, don't they?:)


  



These kind of experiences not only provide wonderful moments for rich memories and conversations, it also models a proper and good work ethic for your boy.  If boys see that their dads are not afraid of hard work and enjoy the challenge and the sense of satisfaction of a "job well done," they will model their own work lives after what they have seen and experienced.  Work hard and often with your son, these experiences create a strong connection with him.

4. Love and honor your wife.   If you want to know how a boy will treat his wife when he grows ups, take a look at how his dad treats his mom.  Very often men innately follow the lead of their fathers when it comes to how they value, respect and protect women.  Now this isn't to say that if you had a father who was a certifiable jerk to your mom that you have to be just like him.  Gratefully, that is not true, because we have a Savior who loves to redeem and change His people.  These are the kinds of prayers He LOVES to answer:  "I want to be better.  I don't know how.  Please show me...help me."  

If you have a relationship with your son that is strong and connected, you will know when difficulties come his way and you will be there.  You will know what he is thinking and feeling and you will know how to coach, encourage and guide, but all of this takes time and the desire to stay connected to your boy through daily acts of intentional relationship building.  If your son is older, it is not too late to begin to connect with him.  Believe me, he knows there is something wrong with your relationship.  Pray for God to guide you to be the dad your son needs and to make positive steps in the right direction.  Sometimes the best way to begin a conversation is simply with "Please forgive me for not being the dad you have needed.  I want it to be better between us, and I am going to do my best to make it better.  Will you help me?"  A humble beginning is many times the best beginning.

Dads, always stay connected to your sons.  Do not allow busyness, your job, ministry, your own screen time, or any other earthly thing rob you of your relational connectedness to your son.  Do whatever it take to keep your son connected to you and your family.  This one aspect of raising your son will have the most impact on keeping him from falling under the influence of the materialistic, self-absorbed, and sexualized culture we live in.  

We know very well that you dads are stretched and stressed to the max.  Your position in the family is filled with responsibilities, but as Peter says, it is also filled with possiblities and unlimited potential.  The power you have in your families for good in your children is worth the sacrifice and hard work.  When it comes to your families health, you are a game-changer!  We want you to know that we are praying for you and your boys!!



Cherri...Peter, Chris and Kathy too! 

Next up on the blog:  Moms and Their Sons!
 

Celebrate Advent!

 I'm taking a little time off from our "boys" to talk a bit about the wonderful tradition of Advent.  Many of us want to instill in our families the "true meaning of Christmas," and find it difficult to naturally infuse into our daily routines the birth of our Savior.  For some it can be weird and stilted to us to suddenly become "all spiritual" and talk with our children, especially the older ones, about Jesus every day.  So for those of you who have little ones...even infants...I can tell you that the best gift you can give to your children this year is to begin a habit of sincere devotion toward God and use this Christmas season as a catalyst and then DON'T STOP!  If you begin to daily pray with your children...to daily show them how to spend time with God...to be an example of loving God and loving others, it will become a natural part of your family dynamic.

Even those who have not traditionally had advent as part of their Christmas season celebration, it is never too late...never.  There are so many great ideas out there for Advent activities.  I have seen wonderful advent calendars, candles and unique traditions fit for every family's personality and age range of children. So I thought on this blog post, I might share a few with you....



Fisher-Price has a wonderful cloth Advent calendar that is perfect for little ones.

There are heirloom quality Advent calendars like this one where each drawer has a magnetic nativity figure to put on this beautifully painted scene.

 





I recently saw an idea on Pinterest of a lovely handcrafted Advent calendar that had a wonderful twist to it.  In each of the pockets, instead of a treat or even a figure to fill out a nativity scene, was a note with either something the family members could do together or something they could do for someone else. This is definitely a labor of love and can be personalized to the colors and personality of your family, but one thing I know for certain is that your children will love pulling out their "one of a kind" Advent calendar each year. 








When my children were younger, one of the books we used was this delightful story. We made a manger ourselves out of grapevines and a baby Jesus from one of my old pair of panty-hose.  (I hope that does not offend any of you:)  The lovely part of this tradition was how the Savior's soft bed of hay appeared over the weeks. The children in the family create the Savior's soft bed by receiving a piece of straw for doing "good deeds" throughout the month and on Christmas Eve, baby Jesus is laid sweetly into His bed made from the loving kindness of sisters and brothers, Mom and Dad. 


I hope this gives you some ideas of how to infuse into your family's Christmas celebrations the wonder of a Savior born as a baby to a very hurting, wounded and needy world.

We are always praying for you...

Cherri...Peter, Chris and Kathy too

Thoughts on Raising Boys--Part Five--Heroes

From the moment my boys could run to me with a bath towel and say, "Mommy, can you tie my cape?"  I knew they had hearts to be heroes.  Peter and Tyler were no different from all boys since time began...this is a deeply embedded, God given desire:  to be a hero.  It certainly does not take a behavioral scientist to see that boys are wired to be adventurous, competitive, courageous, risk-takers.  That was evident the moment I found that my son, Tyler, had used his highchair and the kitchen cabinets to climb to the top of the frig where I found him calmly munching on Cheerios, and he hadn't learned to walk yet!!!  

Along with this adventurous spirit, boys also want to protect, save, and conquer, to have a mission and succeed against all odds.  I watched through skype one evening as my five year old grandson, Zach, with his "Super Zach" cape on saved his three year old sister, Rebekah, a damsel in distress, from the monster (his mom, Jen) who captured the fair maiden.  I have to say I enjoyed every moment as Bekah cried out:  "Help!  Help!  Zach!  Save me!" and watched Zach call back as he rushed down the stairs, cape flying behind him, "I'm coming, Rebekah!  I WILL SAVE YOU!!!!"  And though it was a brutal battle, the monster was defeated, the fair maiden saved and Zach was triumphant! 


 Boys have an innate desire to fight battles and to be victorious...they were made this way ON PURPOSE.  God knew this life on earth was not going to be an easy one.  He knew there would be battles to fight on all levels everyday.  He knew our world would need heroes and in His wisdom, he created men to desire that role...even at Zach's age!  Some of these battles are internal.  I watched my daughter-in-law, Jen, coach Zach one day though one of these battles.  We were at a park in North Carolina.  First, let me explain that playgrounds in North Carolina are far and away more "risky" than the California playgrounds.  Here in California, we are so afraid of litigation that we have taken all the "dangerous" equipment out and padded the ground with twelve inches of memory foam. (slight exaggeration:)  But in NC, the equipment is meant to challenge and be a little risky.  You could fall.  You might come home with bumps and bruises, cuts and scrapes; however,  like my Zach that sunny summer day, you probably conquered something.  Zach began a climb up some pretty steep monkey bars when he froze and started back down. His mom, seeing his dilemma, came over and said, "Zach, you can do this."  She continued to coach Zach for a good fifteen minutes while he slowly inched his way across the "abyss."  Finally, he made it to the top and you should have seen the look on that boy's face.  He did it!!!  From that moment on, he scrambled up and over the monkey bars again and again.  What if Jen had gone over and rescued Zach?  What if she had allowed Zach to cave to his fears?  No victory...no conquering.  

There is a dangerous "counterfeit" out there Satan is using to rob us of all our heroes and that is the continual use of computer games by our boys and men.  I write this knowing that some of you reading this post will not want to read another word, but I ask that you hear me out. 

Not long ago, I was early for my flight out of Burbank airport.  NO ONE was waiting with me for my flight to Reno until a young man with a backpack walked into the seating area of my gate.  We had a long wait for our flight and since not another soul was around, we were each others only company.  I soon found out my new friend was a researcher and scientist at Caltech in Pasadena, much like the characters on the popular television show, The Big Bang Theory .  And you know I had to ask if the show was an accurate depiction of the reality.  I was surprised when he said, "yes."  The one aspect of the show that was not nearly as authentic was the role of online game playing in the life of those who attend and worked at Caltech...in reality...get this...it was more!  Then he told me something that was stunning.  He said if we were to, right at that moment, go to the Caltech campus and visit dorm rooms, nearly every room would have gamers with numerous screens up and running.  Every year many of the Caltech students are treated for rickets because all they do is work and then play their games.  They eat very little.  Sleep very little.  Get almost no physical exercise.  Consequently, these brilliant young people are suffering from malnutrition!!!!

What could possibly draw these young men into a virtual world to such an extent that they neglect everything...including their health?  Can I throw out a thought?  Their desire to be heroes...to have a mission...to fight battles...to defeat enemies...to have an adventure is satisfied online.  Each time a battle is fought and won...a "level" is strived for and achieved...a princess in distress is saved...an enemy finally vanquished a powerfully addictive neurotransmitter called dopamine is released into the brain.  This "rush" along with all the adrenaline produced while in the midst of gaming are the same chemical reactions that occur when REAL life battles take place.  Here's the big difference:  Fake, pretend battles, missions, and adventures can happen everyday anytime...day or night...always available at the click of a mouse.  Not so when it comes to real life.  However, the desire to be a vital part of an adventure and the addiction to the rush of dopamine is so strong, the easy "cure" is gaming...Why do it the hard way???????

Dear parents of boys...you are not just parenting a busy little boy...you are parenting future heroes!!! Please limit your boy's gaming!  And encourage them to do the "hard stuff."  Resist the draw to rescue and instead coach and encourage.  We need real life heroes to be among us in the years ahead.

Praying for your heroes:)

Cherri...Peter, Chris and Kathy too 

PS  We will be taking more about children and technology in a later post.

Thoughts on Raising Boys--Part Four--Play!

"I believe that those boys who take part in rough, hard play outside of school will not find any need for horse-play in school."

Theodore Roosevelt, American President

A young mom came to my home one day with her two and a half year old son to get some advice about her "crazy busy boy" who was "driving her nuts."  They hadn't been in the house long when "David" discovered you could run a continuous circuit through my kitchen, dining room, living room, and family room...and he wasn't the first toddler to discover this wonderful track in my home:).  The young mom apologized as David ran lap after lap, smiling at us as he ran zipping by.  She pointed and said, "This is what I'm talking about!  Help me!!"  

I could tell she was really concerned.  She was worried her little guy had a "diagnosable behavioral problem," and was considering taking him to his doctor to see if some kind of medication might be helpful.  My heart went out to her as I saw that she was sad and scared and pretty much at the end her stretched out to the max, motherly rope.  I began to ask her questions about David...what their day looked like together...did he sleep well at night...take good naps...was he always like this, and a picture began to emerge. 

Her little David was not overly energetic or anymore "crazy busy" than most toddler boys.  As David's mom described their day, I found that he got very little physically demanding play time.  His outlet for using up all his little boy energy was to run around the house, climb furniture, jump off coffee tables and any number of other interesting activities.  I understood this young mother's concern about allowing him to run with reckless abandon through her house, but I also understood this little guy's great need to physically expend all of his pent-up stores of energy.  She explained that the busyness of her day made it difficult to get him outside in the backyard because she felt she needed to be with him and at two and a half, I wholeheartedly agreed.  But something needed to change.  I asked her how much of her time was spent chastising, disciplining, redirecting, or, in some way, dealing with her son's behavior.  She said...that's just it...TOO MUCH!  It seemed she ALWAYS had to stop what she was doing to handle what was going on with David.  She never got done what she needed to during the day and was completely exhausted by the time her husband came home.  And then she said:  "I thought being a mom would be fun, but it's just hard."  Whoa...she was spent.

I asked her if she was willing to try something different and she was, so we put together a new routine for David that included time playing outside at least once a everyday for at least a good hour.  I'll be honest with you, she looked doubtful and was concerned about how this would impact all she needed to accomplish in a day, but she was willing to try.  

A week later, I received a call from David's mom.  I didn't recognize her voice over the phone because she sounded like a completely different person.  She started with "You're not going to believe this!"  She went on to tell me how David not only has calmed down in his behavior, he takes good naps and sleeps better through the night.  The change was so pronounced that her husband started taking him outside to play or go for a walk while she was making dinner in the evenings.  She was honest and told me she really felt defeated leaving my house that afternoon and thought I had just added one more thing to her already long list of what needed to be done in a day.  But she decided to try anyway.  And here's the beauty...she not only got more accomplished during her day, but her time outside with her son turned into something she looked forward to everyday.   An added benefit she was shocked to find was after paying hard, he was able to focus better on more quiet activities to keep himself busy while she is working around the house.  I was so grateful to hear the joy return not only to her voice but in her mothering as well. 

God created boys to need physically demanding play, and some boys need more than others.  If you keep them cooped up in a house all day, you are asking for disaster.  They will break something.  They will run like a "crazy person" around your house.  They will jump and, if you have two, they will wrestle and rough house.  Your boys might even quite literally climb the walls:).  I have seen them do this and have experienced it myself.  They will have a "diagnosable behavioral problem" called "LPD"..."Lack of Play Disorder," and this one has an easy cure...GET THOSE BOYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!!


Lately, Peter, Chris, Kathy and I have been "beating this drum" pretty hard wherever and whenever we talk about parenting.  All of us are big proponents of kids playing...playing a lot outside and play inside too.  We are asking any parent who listens to please get the children playing...playing hard...until the are completely spent...and playing outside...even when it's hot...even when it's cold, windy, rainy, snowing.  They will survive the elements.  Now, of course, we say this knowing that you all have common sense and will not send your children out during a blizzard, a hurricane, or when there has been a heat stroke alert:)

All children, both boys and girls, need a good deal of play time, but for your active, testosterone laden boys, play is absolutely essential.  Let them play.  Let them get dirty.  Let them get wet.  Let them get good and tired.


We are praying God's blessings on you and your families,

Cherri...Peter, Chris and Kathy