Thoughts on Raising Boys-- Part Two--Testosterone

Peter and I have been blessed with six children in our nearly thirty-seven years of marriage.  We have two sons and four daughters ranging in age from thirty-five to twenty years old.  Throughout the years we have been asked:  "Which were more difficult to raise...the boys or the girls?"  While raising them, it depended when the question was asked, what the answer would be.  It changed...flipped back and forth, shifting with the various seasons of raising these six.  Now that it is all behind us, we can say, without hestitation and without a doubt...both.  Raising boys was difficult and so was raising our girls, but in vastly different ways and at different times, because (and here is our first point)...


Boys are different from girls...

Most of you are thinking about now..."Please don't waste my time on the obvious," but hear us out for a moment.  In a culture where lines are being blurred between the sexes, we need to bring back some distinction for both our boys' and girls' sakes.  Back when it was "in" for men to "get in touch with their feminine side," Peter used to say, "Sorry, impossible.  That part was taken  when God removed the rib from Adam to make Eve.  My feminine side doesn't reside in me anymore:)"  Though he did not encourage our two boys to get in touch with their "feminine side," he most assuredly encouraged them to be sensitive to others, gentle to our pets and their younger sisters, and to show concern, care and love for family members and friends.  (All these attributes,  sensitivity, concern, care, love and many more, are taught day after day first through example and then by instruction.) Just because we want our boys to be just that...BOYS, does not exclude them from being kindhearted.  

Times are changing, my sweet parents.  Things we never thought we would have to address like allowing and encouraging your boys to grow up masculine, need to be talked about because of societal changes.  Now we have mothers who intentionally move their sons toward becoming gay.  My daughter told me about a young man in her Bible study who had such a mother.  He remembers glancing at a store window as he and his mom walked down a street.  She looked and saw that a dress was in the window and bent to her young son and said, "You are looking at that dress because you are gay, and that's ok."  (We will talk about the power of a mom and her words in a later post.)  There are entire studies out about the emasculating of the males in our society...some believing it for the good and others for the bad of our culture, but no one denying that it isn't true.  Sadly, the women's movement for all the good it did for women...and it did do some good, stole something valuable from our men by demeaning the very essence of who they are...their masculinity and in essence robbed us as women and as a culture as well.  We need men to be men.

Let me give you just a little unscientific but very real study that my daughter did for her statics class in college. Each student in this class had to make up their own study and gather their own statics and then present the statistics and the study in class.  Kirsti decided to ask "mirrored" questions to the junior boys and the girls on her campus.  The most telling questions was:  "Do you have a plan for the next four years?"  The answers were staggering...Nearly all the boys said they had "no" plans for the future.  Some added underneath their checked "no"  that they just wanted to surf and skateboard.  One said there was plenty of time to "get serious" in the future, but now was the time to "have fun and party."  The girls?  A totally different story...Nearly all the girls had a plan.  They had jobs or internships, were thinking toward grad school or careers, marriage and family.  Even more stunning is the fact that this was not a secular college.  This was Azusa Pacific, a Christian college, for crying out loud!  Granted, Kirsti did not ask every junior at Azusa, but I can tell you as a junior high and high school teacher and librarian over the past 20+ years, I have seen the same phenomenom.  Boys are growing less responsible, less apt to lead, less aggressive in their studies and pursuit of just about anything.  Not ALL boys are like this, but a growing majority are.  We've got to change that.  We NEED our boys to find the desire to lead, to excel, to be courageous, to tap into that God given male hormone that creates such a difference between the sexes.
 
The big reason they are so different and the undeniable truth is boys, unlike girls, are continually bathed in testosterone from the beginning, and testosterone makes our boys aggressive, adventurous, rough and tumble, risk-taking, and high energy...needing, not only a mission, but to be the hero of the mission as well. LOVE the fact that your boy is crazy busy, Love the fact that he is going from one adventure to the next, Love that he is so different from the girls around him, and please...encourage him to be the boy that he is.  

Alrighty, I have probably jumped up and down on that soap box long enough.   So let's move on to another thought:

Boys are different from each other...

All have testosterone flowing through their systems, but all boys have different temperaments and personalities with varying intensities of each.  In my first post I mentioned the great difference between my two, Peter and Tyler.  Both my boys loved to do "boy stuff."  They made car noises, jumped off their top bunk into a blanket-lined toy box, caught bugs, lizards, and snakes.  They climbed trees, got good and dirty ALL THE TIME, played lots of sports, terrorized their sisters and enjoyed HOURS of wrestling together.  But think about the difference testosterone made in Peter Kye's people-loving personality and calm, laid-back demeanor from the same hormone bathing Ty's angry, aggressive, strong-will.  Add testosterone to a strong-willed or easily angered boy and you have, well...some "trouble" coming your way.  Tyler had a great deal more difficulty in keeping himself and his actions under control.  Guess who received more swats and time-outs because he needed them?  You will have to parent differently because all boys, even your own sons, are not the same.  One might be more motivated to make better choices by being isolated, while another needs a swat on the backside, or maybe even both.  You may need to teach the same lesson over and over to one, while the other takes your correction the first time.  Whatever it is that you have found works to help train your boy, the two most  important ingredients for all are selfless love and consistency.  Your motive to have a well-behaved boy cannot be so you will "look good" or so you won't "be embarrassed." It cannot be "you" focused.  It has to be for the sake of your son...for the good of his character, his future, and his relationship with God.  And then prayerfully create a plan and stick to it.

 Your boy may have trouble with self-control.  He may be strong-willed, have ADD, ADHD, have anger issues like my Ty, or have pure testosterone flowing through his veins instead of blood...all of these might be true, but your family standards and values STILL remain intact.  You DO NOT lower your standards and values to the lowest common denominator in your family.  This will cause problems you just don't want to have when your boy gets older.  I loved what my husband, Peter, said the other night when answering a question from the parent of a strong-willed toddler...He said you can train a twenty pound toddler to learn to have self-control a whole lot easier than a 180 pound, six foot teenager.  So profound and SO true. Teach him self-control early.

So let me leave you with this thought.  Your boy is supposed to be busy, and I won't lie to you...raising a boy is exhausting and frustrating and downright terrifying at times, but I wouldn't trade one moment of raising my two very active boys for years of ease or peace and quiet.  They are worth every crazy second I survived:) 

Please be encouraged!!  We want you to know that our prayers are with you as your raise your boys into godly men because this world NEEDS them!

Praying for you precious families,

Cherri...Peter, Chris and Kathy too

PS  We would LOVE to hear some of your stories about your boy's adventures or misadventures!!  PLEASE send your stories to parenting@desertvineyard.org.  With your permission we would like to share them on the blog:)