Thoughts on Raising Boys~Moms and Their Sons

I am so sorry it has taken me what seems like F-O-R-E-V-E-R to add more posts to this blog on the subject of raising sons.  We put our house up for sale and did not expect it to sell in less than a week and have escrow close in thirty days.  Peter and I have been scrambling the last two months packing, finding a place to live and then unpacking.  I have heard moving can be one of the most stressful events in life, but honestly never believed it until recently...now I am a believer.  I've moved before but past moves were always under fun and adventurous circumstances.  I moved from my mom and dad's home at eighteen into an apartment with my new, handsome husband (Oh bliss!  Bliss!  Bliss!)  Seven months later Peter and I moved to South Dakota so Peter could be a logger in the Black Hills.  We packed up all our earthly possessions (which fit in our '72 VW Super Beetle) and headed down the road with joy in our hearts for this brand new adventure.  Then in October it began to snow.  In the Southern California Desert we occasionally have s*n*o*w* and on s*n*o*w* days everything shuts down and the entire valley has a blast!  In South Dakota I soon realized they experience S*N*O*W* and nothing closes down so that everyone can frolic for a day or two, and it is not just barely thirty-two degrees out..uh-uh...it is twenty degrees or ten degrees or even minus ten degrees!  This SoCal girl who arrived in SoDak with a pair of black canvas sneakers and a light weight jacket, went back home in December the proud owner of a pair of snow boots with felt packs and a sub-zero jacket.  Both have served me well on s*n*o*w* days.  Peter and I continue to LOVE South Dakota and still enjoy visiting...in the summer:).  Since then we have moved a few times...out of a mobile home...into the first and only home we have ever owned.  And there we stayed until we moved this past December.   Yes, I know, what kind of lunatic sells their home around the holidays??????  I guess the Peter and Cherri kind of crazy does.  Honestly, we did not have any expectation that everything would move so fast!!!  So here we are finally settled in a rental (a story all of its own) and I can finally settle down with my Mac book on my lap and type a bit.  So let's get on with it.  Moms and their boys...


One morning I was on the phone with my daughter, Kirsti, and my grandson, Nate, who is just about two.  We were having a great conversation when I heard Nate suddenly say with great emotion:  "Dat's da Momma!"  I asked Kirsti what that comment was about.  She laughed as she told me that was Nate's reaction at seeing a picture of her.  Oh, sweet little boys and their moms...a precious, precious and very special relationship.  My two oldest children are my sons, Peter Kye and Tyler.  Both boys in their toddler years VOWED to marry me and only me when they grew up.  There is nothing like having your little boy crawl into your lap, place two small hands on either side of your face and exclaim:  "When I grow up, I'm going to marry you, Mommy." Girls, you need to hear that this particular time in your life with your sons is a "sweet spot;" during these years, YOU are the light of your little guy's life.  The precious years of baby and toddler-hood are beyond valuable as you create a lasting bond with your little boy...because, my dears, it doesn't last forever, nor, for that matter, would you want it to if you really think about it.  Enjoy every moment of this special and fruitful time and make the most of it.

I had no idea when my boys were young that I had such profound influence in their lives.  It wasn't until I looked back that I realized the impact I had on Peter and Tyler.  I grew up a tomboy spending a good portion of my time outdoors catching lizards, snakes, bugs and various other creatures or collecting rocks and other "treasure," consequently, that is what I did with my boys.  We were always looking for something to put in a jar.  It never occurred to me to buy them a bunch of matchbox cars or transformers.  They would get a few at birthday parties and play with them from time to time, but what they really loved was a good lizard or snake hunt...I have the pictures of snake draped sons to prove it:)  One birthday Peter Kye received a shirt emblazoned with the title LIZARD HUNTER which he wore with pride until it was in shreds.  

Moms, the question really isn't, "Will you influence your sons?" but rather "How will you influence your sons?"  Because for good or for not so good, you ARE having an affect on them.   I will never forget a story my daughter related of a young man who visited a Bible study she attended.  He explained to the group that his single mom continually told him he was "probably gay."  He remembers when he was just a toddler glancing at a store window as he and his mom were taking a walk and his mom telling him he was looking at the dresses in the window because he was "probably gay."  This young man went on to explain he grew up completely confused because he never had any homosexual desires, yet his mom defined him over and over as "probably gay."  Eventually he tried a homosexual lifestyle, but that led to complete devastation.   Then Jesus happened, redefined him, gave him clarity and his life was completely turned around.

Imagine the power in the words from a mother who says over her son continually..."You are kind."  "You are courageous."  "You are creative...loving...unselfish...a hard worker."  "You, my son, have a good heart."  Open your eyes to those moments and use them for all they are worth.  There is so much worthy of praise in our sons.  And in these early years, get this...IT MATTERS WHAT YOU SAY.  They take it into their newly forming characters that your words are truth.  They BELIEVE you.  

Mom, you definitely are influential in your boy's life...there is no doubt about that.  But as the years progress and your son grows, your influence has to change with his growth into a man...for his sake and for yours.  Resist the urge to keep your son a boy.  Allow him the healthy transfer from constant need and desire for you to the desire to be "like dad."  Let him go from you as his "first love" to that special girl who will be "THE love" of his life.  Watch out for the tendency we sometimes have to cling...to manipulate with guilt.  It can happen to the best of us moms so sneakily.  Believe me..of this I know first hand.  If anyone is worthy of blame when it comes to clinging and being a purveyor of guilt...my hand would be the first in the air. 

One late night during my oldest son, Peter Kye's, senior year of high school, I could not sleep.  The mom in me had the unsettled feeling that EVERYTHING was about to change for me...and change would, from that point on, be continual and sometimes drastic.  I couldn't help myself, and before I knew it, tears were flowing and I was working myself into a full on "sob fest."  Rather than wake my sleeping husband, I decided to take my pathetic self out into the living room where I wouldn't disturb anyone.  I hadn't been there long when Peter Kye came out and asked what was wrong.  What do you say?  "I don't want you to grow up"?  That wasn't true.  What I really wanted was to hang on to the little boy I had already let go of just one more time.  What I said was..."I just want you to sit on my lap again and let's read together for hours like we used to."  What Peter Kye did then was proof he was the man I had always hoped he would be.  He set down beside and me and just wrapped me up in his arms.  

Much like moving, parenting is an adventure filled to the brim with change.  You look forward to what is ahead but grieve over what you left behind.  And what I found out is that it is just fine with God that we mourn a bit.  As a mom who has weathered the ins and outs of mothering boys...had some successes, some failures....experienced sweet moments of joy and tenderness and heart rending times of surrendering my place, of letting go of little hands, I can say without a doubt...raising my boys, Peter and Tyler, has been a real treasure.  All those things that used to "drive me crazy" about my two very active boys have mellowed into fun and warm memories I love to ponder.  


Praying for you, my sweet sisters and mothers of boys!

Cherri