Nate and His Milk: A Lesson in Boundaries

I am thoroughly convinced if we let toddlers loose on the world, we would be conquered in  less than a week:).  I recently spent two weeks with my grandson, Nate, and his parents and there was a "war" going on in that household over milk. In fact when I left, there were still a few skirmishes, but Nate's mom and dad were finally seeing victory on the horizon after some loooooong, emotional battles.  I know they say girls are drama queens, but I saw some pretty intense drama going on by my Nate as he clung to the closed refrigerator door:).  Watching this all unfold, reminded me that raising a toddler is not for the weak or fainthearted.  

My husband, Peter, and I are continually asked in our parenting classes if a two year old "really understands what they are being asked."  Every year we say the very same thing: your toddlers understand WAY more than they are given credit for and many times are playing you like a finely tuned fiddle.  I watch my granddaughter of ten months navigate an ipad for cryin' out loud!  The toddlers in my life, including Nate, use ipads and iphones more proficiently than I do.  Nate knows which games are his.  He knows how to get to his games...how to get where he wants in the games and how to shut the whole deal down.   And then he wants me to believe he doesn't know that he has to keep his milk in the kitchen on the tile???????  I'm sorry, Naticus the Greaticus, but that is a stretch even your adoring Nana cannot make.  To top the whole thing off, Nate skilled us in just how much HE REALLY DOES UNDERSTAND, and I have the pictures to prove it.

So the battles go something like this: (and I bet all you moms and dads out there in toddlerland are experiencing similar conflicts)  Nate decides he wants his milk.  He is given his milk and reminded to "stay in the kitchen" with his cup.  At first he is content to walk around the kitchen with his milk but the boundary beckons and he is attracted to as if magnetized. 

 

He walks to the boundary...toes the line...walks right along it...sticks one big toe just a bit over the line...waits.  Or he acts like he is simply drinking his milk and saunters innocently near the line.  Ooops!  Toe over! Ha ha!!  Just kidding!!! Or he walks out as if to say "Boundary?  What boundary?  We have a boundary? I forgot!"  However, the boundary violations I was a witness to were absolutely brilliant.  Enough to make a any prison-breaking felon's mom proud (If you were proud of such things:)




My daughter is very consistent with enforcing boundaries...if he crosses the line, the milk goes to the frig and no amount of languishing dramatically at the frig door ever changes her mind.  But neither of us were prepared for what Nate did next.  After one such boundary breaking incident, Nate was given his milk back after a suitable amount of time and told "Remember KEEP THE MILK IN THE KITCHEN...say, 'Yes, Mom.'"  And off he went with a "Yes, Mom."  All went well until we watched him working hard to pull a barstool over to the edge of the tile all the while his milk is hanging from his mouth.  He finally wrestled the barstool right up to the edge of the tile and placed his milk on top and then ran off to play with his animals and dragons.

This was absolutely ingenious!  He could run over to his cup and lean over grab a drink while standing in the family room!  The milk, however, was IN the kitchen.  You have to applaud the guys inventive way to cross the boundary:).  But that was not going to fly with Mom, so the stool was placed back where it belonged and more instructions were given.  No more scooting the stool over to put your milk on it...milk AND body has to stay in the kitchen.   It doesn't end there.  The next day his dad gave Nate his milk with this reminder:  "Stay in the kitchen with your milk."  I wish I had a picture of what he did minutes later, but the iphone was not handy at the time.  Nate saw his dinosaurs about four feet out from the boundary line.  He really wanted those dinosaurs and equally did not want to leave his milk.  The dilemma was solved as he put his milk in his mouth and then stretched all three feet of himself out across the floor making sure one toe stayed in the kitchen as he grabbed the desired dinosaurs.  Oh, yes, he did!  He was literally still in the kitchen with his milk.  The toe attached to his body while teeth were clenched around his sippy cup lid was still very plainly for all to see decidedly in the kitchen.  Nate, I hope, did not see his nana smile with appreciation for a brain so well engaged in problem solving.  There will be a need for those God given skills someday:).  It's all about channeling those gifts in the RIGHT direction!

We, as loving parents, decide where the boundaries are in our children's lives, and once we make those boundaries, you can be sure your little ones will test them in a myriad of clever and creative ways.  As cute and amazing as these feats are, we have to be consistent about the boundaries.  If you take what they are doing to the logical conclusion what the scenario will be someday will involve much more dangerous boundary crossing.  A teenager who doesn't borrow your car to drive to the beach, but finds someone else to lend them a one.  Or whose curfew is a reasonable ten o'clock on weekdays, but who comes in at 10:15, then 10:30, then 10:45...And you will be dealing with a little "mini lawyer" every time a boundary is crossed.  You think you are exasperated now dealing with toddlers and their pranks?  These days will look like vacations when you are dealing with an adolescent or teenager who "Perry Masons" you continually!  

Everyday you are training your children whether you think about it or not.  You are training them to...

believe what you say is what you mean
trust that you are truthful and consistent
treat you and your decisions and requests with respect

and these are just a few of the myriad of principles you teach daily by instruction and by example.

Bottom line:  Decide what your boundaries are going to be and stick to them as if they were law.  In reality they ARE the law in your home and just like with any law that is broken, there are consequences to pay.  Have a plan...think it through...pray it through and then ask God to help you to be consistent.  You and your little one will reap GREAT benefits both now and in the future!

Praying strength, courage and perseverance for all our dear parents of toddlers out there:)

Cherri
 

Thoughts on Raising Boys~Moms and Their Sons

I am so sorry it has taken me what seems like F-O-R-E-V-E-R to add more posts to this blog on the subject of raising sons.  We put our house up for sale and did not expect it to sell in less than a week and have escrow close in thirty days.  Peter and I have been scrambling the last two months packing, finding a place to live and then unpacking.  I have heard moving can be one of the most stressful events in life, but honestly never believed it until recently...now I am a believer.  I've moved before but past moves were always under fun and adventurous circumstances.  I moved from my mom and dad's home at eighteen into an apartment with my new, handsome husband (Oh bliss!  Bliss!  Bliss!)  Seven months later Peter and I moved to South Dakota so Peter could be a logger in the Black Hills.  We packed up all our earthly possessions (which fit in our '72 VW Super Beetle) and headed down the road with joy in our hearts for this brand new adventure.  Then in October it began to snow.  In the Southern California Desert we occasionally have s*n*o*w* and on s*n*o*w* days everything shuts down and the entire valley has a blast!  In South Dakota I soon realized they experience S*N*O*W* and nothing closes down so that everyone can frolic for a day or two, and it is not just barely thirty-two degrees out..uh-uh...it is twenty degrees or ten degrees or even minus ten degrees!  This SoCal girl who arrived in SoDak with a pair of black canvas sneakers and a light weight jacket, went back home in December the proud owner of a pair of snow boots with felt packs and a sub-zero jacket.  Both have served me well on s*n*o*w* days.  Peter and I continue to LOVE South Dakota and still enjoy visiting...in the summer:).  Since then we have moved a few times...out of a mobile home...into the first and only home we have ever owned.  And there we stayed until we moved this past December.   Yes, I know, what kind of lunatic sells their home around the holidays??????  I guess the Peter and Cherri kind of crazy does.  Honestly, we did not have any expectation that everything would move so fast!!!  So here we are finally settled in a rental (a story all of its own) and I can finally settle down with my Mac book on my lap and type a bit.  So let's get on with it.  Moms and their boys...


One morning I was on the phone with my daughter, Kirsti, and my grandson, Nate, who is just about two.  We were having a great conversation when I heard Nate suddenly say with great emotion:  "Dat's da Momma!"  I asked Kirsti what that comment was about.  She laughed as she told me that was Nate's reaction at seeing a picture of her.  Oh, sweet little boys and their moms...a precious, precious and very special relationship.  My two oldest children are my sons, Peter Kye and Tyler.  Both boys in their toddler years VOWED to marry me and only me when they grew up.  There is nothing like having your little boy crawl into your lap, place two small hands on either side of your face and exclaim:  "When I grow up, I'm going to marry you, Mommy." Girls, you need to hear that this particular time in your life with your sons is a "sweet spot;" during these years, YOU are the light of your little guy's life.  The precious years of baby and toddler-hood are beyond valuable as you create a lasting bond with your little boy...because, my dears, it doesn't last forever, nor, for that matter, would you want it to if you really think about it.  Enjoy every moment of this special and fruitful time and make the most of it.

I had no idea when my boys were young that I had such profound influence in their lives.  It wasn't until I looked back that I realized the impact I had on Peter and Tyler.  I grew up a tomboy spending a good portion of my time outdoors catching lizards, snakes, bugs and various other creatures or collecting rocks and other "treasure," consequently, that is what I did with my boys.  We were always looking for something to put in a jar.  It never occurred to me to buy them a bunch of matchbox cars or transformers.  They would get a few at birthday parties and play with them from time to time, but what they really loved was a good lizard or snake hunt...I have the pictures of snake draped sons to prove it:)  One birthday Peter Kye received a shirt emblazoned with the title LIZARD HUNTER which he wore with pride until it was in shreds.  

Moms, the question really isn't, "Will you influence your sons?" but rather "How will you influence your sons?"  Because for good or for not so good, you ARE having an affect on them.   I will never forget a story my daughter related of a young man who visited a Bible study she attended.  He explained to the group that his single mom continually told him he was "probably gay."  He remembers when he was just a toddler glancing at a store window as he and his mom were taking a walk and his mom telling him he was looking at the dresses in the window because he was "probably gay."  This young man went on to explain he grew up completely confused because he never had any homosexual desires, yet his mom defined him over and over as "probably gay."  Eventually he tried a homosexual lifestyle, but that led to complete devastation.   Then Jesus happened, redefined him, gave him clarity and his life was completely turned around.

Imagine the power in the words from a mother who says over her son continually..."You are kind."  "You are courageous."  "You are creative...loving...unselfish...a hard worker."  "You, my son, have a good heart."  Open your eyes to those moments and use them for all they are worth.  There is so much worthy of praise in our sons.  And in these early years, get this...IT MATTERS WHAT YOU SAY.  They take it into their newly forming characters that your words are truth.  They BELIEVE you.  

Mom, you definitely are influential in your boy's life...there is no doubt about that.  But as the years progress and your son grows, your influence has to change with his growth into a man...for his sake and for yours.  Resist the urge to keep your son a boy.  Allow him the healthy transfer from constant need and desire for you to the desire to be "like dad."  Let him go from you as his "first love" to that special girl who will be "THE love" of his life.  Watch out for the tendency we sometimes have to cling...to manipulate with guilt.  It can happen to the best of us moms so sneakily.  Believe me..of this I know first hand.  If anyone is worthy of blame when it comes to clinging and being a purveyor of guilt...my hand would be the first in the air. 

One late night during my oldest son, Peter Kye's, senior year of high school, I could not sleep.  The mom in me had the unsettled feeling that EVERYTHING was about to change for me...and change would, from that point on, be continual and sometimes drastic.  I couldn't help myself, and before I knew it, tears were flowing and I was working myself into a full on "sob fest."  Rather than wake my sleeping husband, I decided to take my pathetic self out into the living room where I wouldn't disturb anyone.  I hadn't been there long when Peter Kye came out and asked what was wrong.  What do you say?  "I don't want you to grow up"?  That wasn't true.  What I really wanted was to hang on to the little boy I had already let go of just one more time.  What I said was..."I just want you to sit on my lap again and let's read together for hours like we used to."  What Peter Kye did then was proof he was the man I had always hoped he would be.  He set down beside and me and just wrapped me up in his arms.  

Much like moving, parenting is an adventure filled to the brim with change.  You look forward to what is ahead but grieve over what you left behind.  And what I found out is that it is just fine with God that we mourn a bit.  As a mom who has weathered the ins and outs of mothering boys...had some successes, some failures....experienced sweet moments of joy and tenderness and heart rending times of surrendering my place, of letting go of little hands, I can say without a doubt...raising my boys, Peter and Tyler, has been a real treasure.  All those things that used to "drive me crazy" about my two very active boys have mellowed into fun and warm memories I love to ponder.  


Praying for you, my sweet sisters and mothers of boys!

Cherri