Thoughts on Raising Boys--Part Four--Play!

"I believe that those boys who take part in rough, hard play outside of school will not find any need for horse-play in school."

Theodore Roosevelt, American President

A young mom came to my home one day with her two and a half year old son to get some advice about her "crazy busy boy" who was "driving her nuts."  They hadn't been in the house long when "David" discovered you could run a continuous circuit through my kitchen, dining room, living room, and family room...and he wasn't the first toddler to discover this wonderful track in my home:).  The young mom apologized as David ran lap after lap, smiling at us as he ran zipping by.  She pointed and said, "This is what I'm talking about!  Help me!!"  

I could tell she was really concerned.  She was worried her little guy had a "diagnosable behavioral problem," and was considering taking him to his doctor to see if some kind of medication might be helpful.  My heart went out to her as I saw that she was sad and scared and pretty much at the end her stretched out to the max, motherly rope.  I began to ask her questions about David...what their day looked like together...did he sleep well at night...take good naps...was he always like this, and a picture began to emerge. 

Her little David was not overly energetic or anymore "crazy busy" than most toddler boys.  As David's mom described their day, I found that he got very little physically demanding play time.  His outlet for using up all his little boy energy was to run around the house, climb furniture, jump off coffee tables and any number of other interesting activities.  I understood this young mother's concern about allowing him to run with reckless abandon through her house, but I also understood this little guy's great need to physically expend all of his pent-up stores of energy.  She explained that the busyness of her day made it difficult to get him outside in the backyard because she felt she needed to be with him and at two and a half, I wholeheartedly agreed.  But something needed to change.  I asked her how much of her time was spent chastising, disciplining, redirecting, or, in some way, dealing with her son's behavior.  She said...that's just it...TOO MUCH!  It seemed she ALWAYS had to stop what she was doing to handle what was going on with David.  She never got done what she needed to during the day and was completely exhausted by the time her husband came home.  And then she said:  "I thought being a mom would be fun, but it's just hard."  Whoa...she was spent.

I asked her if she was willing to try something different and she was, so we put together a new routine for David that included time playing outside at least once a everyday for at least a good hour.  I'll be honest with you, she looked doubtful and was concerned about how this would impact all she needed to accomplish in a day, but she was willing to try.  

A week later, I received a call from David's mom.  I didn't recognize her voice over the phone because she sounded like a completely different person.  She started with "You're not going to believe this!"  She went on to tell me how David not only has calmed down in his behavior, he takes good naps and sleeps better through the night.  The change was so pronounced that her husband started taking him outside to play or go for a walk while she was making dinner in the evenings.  She was honest and told me she really felt defeated leaving my house that afternoon and thought I had just added one more thing to her already long list of what needed to be done in a day.  But she decided to try anyway.  And here's the beauty...she not only got more accomplished during her day, but her time outside with her son turned into something she looked forward to everyday.   An added benefit she was shocked to find was after paying hard, he was able to focus better on more quiet activities to keep himself busy while she is working around the house.  I was so grateful to hear the joy return not only to her voice but in her mothering as well. 

God created boys to need physically demanding play, and some boys need more than others.  If you keep them cooped up in a house all day, you are asking for disaster.  They will break something.  They will run like a "crazy person" around your house.  They will jump and, if you have two, they will wrestle and rough house.  Your boys might even quite literally climb the walls:).  I have seen them do this and have experienced it myself.  They will have a "diagnosable behavioral problem" called "LPD"..."Lack of Play Disorder," and this one has an easy cure...GET THOSE BOYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!!


Lately, Peter, Chris, Kathy and I have been "beating this drum" pretty hard wherever and whenever we talk about parenting.  All of us are big proponents of kids playing...playing a lot outside and play inside too.  We are asking any parent who listens to please get the children playing...playing hard...until the are completely spent...and playing outside...even when it's hot...even when it's cold, windy, rainy, snowing.  They will survive the elements.  Now, of course, we say this knowing that you all have common sense and will not send your children out during a blizzard, a hurricane, or when there has been a heat stroke alert:)

All children, both boys and girls, need a good deal of play time, but for your active, testosterone laden boys, play is absolutely essential.  Let them play.  Let them get dirty.  Let them get wet.  Let them get good and tired.


We are praying God's blessings on you and your families,

Cherri...Peter, Chris and Kathy

Thoughts on Raising Boys-- Part Two--Testosterone

Peter and I have been blessed with six children in our nearly thirty-seven years of marriage.  We have two sons and four daughters ranging in age from thirty-five to twenty years old.  Throughout the years we have been asked:  "Which were more difficult to raise...the boys or the girls?"  While raising them, it depended when the question was asked, what the answer would be.  It changed...flipped back and forth, shifting with the various seasons of raising these six.  Now that it is all behind us, we can say, without hestitation and without a doubt...both.  Raising boys was difficult and so was raising our girls, but in vastly different ways and at different times, because (and here is our first point)...


Boys are different from girls...

Most of you are thinking about now..."Please don't waste my time on the obvious," but hear us out for a moment.  In a culture where lines are being blurred between the sexes, we need to bring back some distinction for both our boys' and girls' sakes.  Back when it was "in" for men to "get in touch with their feminine side," Peter used to say, "Sorry, impossible.  That part was taken  when God removed the rib from Adam to make Eve.  My feminine side doesn't reside in me anymore:)"  Though he did not encourage our two boys to get in touch with their "feminine side," he most assuredly encouraged them to be sensitive to others, gentle to our pets and their younger sisters, and to show concern, care and love for family members and friends.  (All these attributes,  sensitivity, concern, care, love and many more, are taught day after day first through example and then by instruction.) Just because we want our boys to be just that...BOYS, does not exclude them from being kindhearted.  

Times are changing, my sweet parents.  Things we never thought we would have to address like allowing and encouraging your boys to grow up masculine, need to be talked about because of societal changes.  Now we have mothers who intentionally move their sons toward becoming gay.  My daughter told me about a young man in her Bible study who had such a mother.  He remembers glancing at a store window as he and his mom walked down a street.  She looked and saw that a dress was in the window and bent to her young son and said, "You are looking at that dress because you are gay, and that's ok."  (We will talk about the power of a mom and her words in a later post.)  There are entire studies out about the emasculating of the males in our society...some believing it for the good and others for the bad of our culture, but no one denying that it isn't true.  Sadly, the women's movement for all the good it did for women...and it did do some good, stole something valuable from our men by demeaning the very essence of who they are...their masculinity and in essence robbed us as women and as a culture as well.  We need men to be men.

Let me give you just a little unscientific but very real study that my daughter did for her statics class in college. Each student in this class had to make up their own study and gather their own statics and then present the statistics and the study in class.  Kirsti decided to ask "mirrored" questions to the junior boys and the girls on her campus.  The most telling questions was:  "Do you have a plan for the next four years?"  The answers were staggering...Nearly all the boys said they had "no" plans for the future.  Some added underneath their checked "no"  that they just wanted to surf and skateboard.  One said there was plenty of time to "get serious" in the future, but now was the time to "have fun and party."  The girls?  A totally different story...Nearly all the girls had a plan.  They had jobs or internships, were thinking toward grad school or careers, marriage and family.  Even more stunning is the fact that this was not a secular college.  This was Azusa Pacific, a Christian college, for crying out loud!  Granted, Kirsti did not ask every junior at Azusa, but I can tell you as a junior high and high school teacher and librarian over the past 20+ years, I have seen the same phenomenom.  Boys are growing less responsible, less apt to lead, less aggressive in their studies and pursuit of just about anything.  Not ALL boys are like this, but a growing majority are.  We've got to change that.  We NEED our boys to find the desire to lead, to excel, to be courageous, to tap into that God given male hormone that creates such a difference between the sexes.
 
The big reason they are so different and the undeniable truth is boys, unlike girls, are continually bathed in testosterone from the beginning, and testosterone makes our boys aggressive, adventurous, rough and tumble, risk-taking, and high energy...needing, not only a mission, but to be the hero of the mission as well. LOVE the fact that your boy is crazy busy, Love the fact that he is going from one adventure to the next, Love that he is so different from the girls around him, and please...encourage him to be the boy that he is.  

Alrighty, I have probably jumped up and down on that soap box long enough.   So let's move on to another thought:

Boys are different from each other...

All have testosterone flowing through their systems, but all boys have different temperaments and personalities with varying intensities of each.  In my first post I mentioned the great difference between my two, Peter and Tyler.  Both my boys loved to do "boy stuff."  They made car noises, jumped off their top bunk into a blanket-lined toy box, caught bugs, lizards, and snakes.  They climbed trees, got good and dirty ALL THE TIME, played lots of sports, terrorized their sisters and enjoyed HOURS of wrestling together.  But think about the difference testosterone made in Peter Kye's people-loving personality and calm, laid-back demeanor from the same hormone bathing Ty's angry, aggressive, strong-will.  Add testosterone to a strong-willed or easily angered boy and you have, well...some "trouble" coming your way.  Tyler had a great deal more difficulty in keeping himself and his actions under control.  Guess who received more swats and time-outs because he needed them?  You will have to parent differently because all boys, even your own sons, are not the same.  One might be more motivated to make better choices by being isolated, while another needs a swat on the backside, or maybe even both.  You may need to teach the same lesson over and over to one, while the other takes your correction the first time.  Whatever it is that you have found works to help train your boy, the two most  important ingredients for all are selfless love and consistency.  Your motive to have a well-behaved boy cannot be so you will "look good" or so you won't "be embarrassed." It cannot be "you" focused.  It has to be for the sake of your son...for the good of his character, his future, and his relationship with God.  And then prayerfully create a plan and stick to it.

 Your boy may have trouble with self-control.  He may be strong-willed, have ADD, ADHD, have anger issues like my Ty, or have pure testosterone flowing through his veins instead of blood...all of these might be true, but your family standards and values STILL remain intact.  You DO NOT lower your standards and values to the lowest common denominator in your family.  This will cause problems you just don't want to have when your boy gets older.  I loved what my husband, Peter, said the other night when answering a question from the parent of a strong-willed toddler...He said you can train a twenty pound toddler to learn to have self-control a whole lot easier than a 180 pound, six foot teenager.  So profound and SO true. Teach him self-control early.

So let me leave you with this thought.  Your boy is supposed to be busy, and I won't lie to you...raising a boy is exhausting and frustrating and downright terrifying at times, but I wouldn't trade one moment of raising my two very active boys for years of ease or peace and quiet.  They are worth every crazy second I survived:) 

Please be encouraged!!  We want you to know that our prayers are with you as your raise your boys into godly men because this world NEEDS them!

Praying for you precious families,

Cherri...Peter, Chris and Kathy too

PS  We would LOVE to hear some of your stories about your boy's adventures or misadventures!!  PLEASE send your stories to parenting@desertvineyard.org.  With your permission we would like to share them on the blog:)