These words were recently spoken by Brady Quinn, the quarterback for the Kansas City Chiefs, when asked about the death of one of his teammates, Jovan Belcher, who first took the life of his girlfriend and then ended his own.
It might seem at first glance that this has little to do with parenting boys, but in truth it has EVERYTHING to do with parenting, not only our boys, but all of our children and all relationships in a family for that matter. The single most important aspect in parenting your children is connection.
In the "old" days, families had no difficulties staying connected. They got up in the morning, ate breakfast together and sometimes even worked together on their ranch, farm or in their family businesses. Even as times changed and more and more dads joined the workforce, meals together were not optional and the evenings were spent doing something together...even if it was simply watching Disney's Wonderful World of Color or Bonanza.
Times changed, moms went to work, and both moms and dads had further commutes. Technology advanced from having one screen per household to the average of twelve. Involvement in outside activities for all members of the family such as sports teams, dance and martial arts classes, church activities, meetings and numerous school functions have slivered away at our connection with our children one event, one afternoon, one evening, one weekend at a time. Now we spend more time in our automobiles than we do in our homes. Even when we do happen to get some moments to spend together, we are all on our own screens texting, Tweeting, Facetiming, Facebooking, Pinteresting, gaming, emailing, working...We are losing our connections to each other in our families and this, my dear parents, is a tragedy we can turn around. In order to create the connections your family NEEDS you will have to go completely against the tide of our society...and that tide is high and wide and more like a tsunami than a wave. Where connecting as a family came naturally in the past, now we will have to be purposeful in making it happen.
It is important for dads to connect with their sons through healthy relationship. Dad, you have tremendous power in your family, but for your boy, you are the primary model of all that is to be a man. It is your example of "hero" concepts such as: courage, gentleness, deference, sacrifice, and integrity that will have a lasting positive influence. This kind of influence cannot be done passively. This is proactive parenting. Have a plan and then take the steps to carry it out. There are a few important aspects that need to be included...
1. Talk to your son---as much as some of you guys hate it, talking to your boys is a must. If you are a really wise dad, you will take advantage of moments that come naturally in relationship...while you are driving, playing, and working together. More good can come out of talks done when there is no stress and no conflict than all the lectures given during times of high emotion. One of the best pieces of parenting advise Peter and I ever received was not to address difficult subjects during times of conflict. Peter had many talks with his boys, some of them reaching into the early morning hours, and I know Peter was tired and many times had to work the next morning, but his boys were more important to him than a good night's sleep. Most of the time, I did not know what they talked about and truth is I didn't need to know. Sometimes conversations need to be between dads and sons PERIOD no "help" from mom. Dads, your boys need to have conversations with your about everything including girls, sex and growing into a man. Uncomfortable, maybe for some, but absolutely essential for their growth especially in this current societal climate. Talk to your boys, communication connects you to your son.
2. Play with your boys. All ages of boys...and I mean ALL ages of boys love to hang out and play with their dads. For my boys now in their adult years, they love to taste test super hot chiles that my oldest son grows. (They think this is fun...go figure...This HAS to be a guy thing:) In the younger years, Peter played basketball, football, rode boys around on his shoulders, and used to "fly" them around like a jet when they were little guys. Dads, take your sons camping, to hunt bugs and lizards, go to zoos, to the playground, on road trips and get on your knees to play cars, put together puzzles and chase them with reckless abandon. Enjoy playing with your boy, play connects you to your son.
3. Work together. There is something healthy about working together toward a common goal. So many lessons are learned in the midst of a project...planning, patience, excellence in workmanship, incentive, and a sense of accomplishment. Some of my boys dearest memories are of projects they have done with their dad and days working in the mountains cutting firewood together. To this day, if those boys have the opportunity to spend a day with their dad cutting firewood or working on a project, they will jump on it if they can. Here is a more recent picture of Peter with our son, Peter Kye, our two sons-in-laws, Jonathan and Ryan and my brother, Mark, on a day spent cutting wood. They look pretty happy and content, don't they?:)
These kind of experiences not only provide wonderful moments for rich memories and conversations, it also models a proper and good work ethic for your boy. If boys see that their dads are not afraid of hard work and enjoy the challenge and the sense of satisfaction of a "job well done," they will model their own work lives after what they have seen and experienced. Work hard and often with your son, these experiences create a strong connection with him.
4. Love and honor your wife. If you want to know how a boy will treat his wife when he grows ups, take a look at how his dad treats his mom. Very often men innately follow the lead of their fathers when it comes to how they value, respect and protect women. Now this isn't to say that if you had a father who was a certifiable jerk to your mom that you have to be just like him. Gratefully, that is not true, because we have a Savior who loves to redeem and change His people. These are the kinds of prayers He LOVES to answer: "I want to be better. I don't know how. Please show me...help me."
If you have a relationship with your son that is strong and connected, you will know when difficulties come his way and you will be there. You will know what he is thinking and feeling and you will know how to coach, encourage and guide, but all of this takes time and the desire to stay connected to your boy through daily acts of intentional relationship building. If your son is older, it is not too late to begin to connect with him. Believe me, he knows there is something wrong with your relationship. Pray for God to guide you to be the dad your son needs and to make positive steps in the right direction. Sometimes the best way to begin a conversation is simply with "Please forgive me for not being the dad you have needed. I want it to be better between us, and I am going to do my best to make it better. Will you help me?" A humble beginning is many times the best beginning.
Dads, always stay connected to your sons. Do not allow busyness, your job, ministry, your own screen time, or any other earthly thing rob you of your relational connectedness to your son. Do whatever it take to keep your son connected to you and your family. This one aspect of raising your son will have the most impact on keeping him from falling under the influence of the materialistic, self-absorbed, and sexualized culture we live in.
We know very well that you dads are stretched and stressed to the max. Your position in the family is filled with responsibilities, but as Peter says, it is also filled with possiblities and unlimited potential. The power you have in your families for good in your children is worth the sacrifice and hard work. When it comes to your families health, you are a game-changer! We want you to know that we are praying for you and your boys!!
Cherri...Peter, Chris and Kathy too!
Next up on the blog: Moms and Their Sons!
